What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
