Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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