I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
