U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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