I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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