I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Drake has all the answers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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