i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
