My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
