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I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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