I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
