dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
