saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
