I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
