I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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