Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
