How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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