he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
