Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
