the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
