They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
