Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
