I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I AM VODKA MAN
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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