I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
