Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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