Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
