WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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