I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
