Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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