I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He passed out mid-signature
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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