Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
