It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
