Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
