we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
