I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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