If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize