HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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