It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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