i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
