I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
