I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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