I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
