You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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