This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
