We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
