Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
