The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize