he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
