just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
