Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize