He kissed a someone with a penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
