is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
