So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
