I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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