there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize