Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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