Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
