One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize