I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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