Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
