I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
