the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
whose ass print is on the piano?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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