Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
